Rating your Xbox 360 collection.
The Xbox 360 has been alive and kicking for over two years now since November 2005. Yes, it’s really been that long. That’s a lot of titles, and there have been more than a couple of misfires. It happens, but the key to life is knowing when not to step on a landmine, or, in this case, when not to drop your hard-earned cash on a developer’s sorry ass attempt at entertaining you (or a console that has a replacement rate higher than 16+%). So this article is for you. Here are the top ten Xbox 360 games since the console was released. This is your guide to cutting the crap and sticking to the pure essentials before you know full well what a “red ring of death” truly means. This is the measure of your game-itude, as all 10 of these titles should be on your shelf with no exceptions. Unless you have no thumbs—I guess that’s an exception.
How to play: Grab a piece of paper and a pencil. No, a pen will not work, because you’ll make mistakes. Below the title of the game will be point totals. If you own the game listed above, you’ll gain plus points. If you don’t own the game, you’re missing out, lunchbox, and you lose points.
You start with +50 points of integrity because you’re reading this article.
Don’t Own: -45
Why You Should Own It: Because it’s a flagship of the system, the best Halo game available, and the best FPS available. Seriously, if you don’t own this, why do you even own a 360?
Gears of War
Don’t Own: –40
Why You Should Own It: For crying out loud! It’s Gears of War!
Don’t Own: -40
Why You Should Own It: Portal. If not Portal, then Team Fortress 2. If not either of those, then there is Half-Life 2. There is enough to do in The Orange Box that you can’t justify NOT spending the money to own it.
Don’t Own: -35 (See Below)
Why You Should Own It: Who doesn’t want to be a rock star? This is as close as it gets and it takes Guitar Hero to the next level. This title also gives us one of the greatest party games on the 360 to date, and it will probably make you a better drummer. Only -15 if you have no friends or are too poor to drop $170 on the hardware.
Don’t Own: -30
Why You Should Own It: Fantastic graphics, excellent controls, and perfect sound design supporting one of the most immersive worlds in a videogame to date. You could just walk around town or rooftops and this game would still be awesome, but you kill people, too! Plus, Altair is the ultimate assassin. Even the player can’t trust him.
How’re you doing over there? Are you nothing but a walking, talking bag of guts and stuff, or are you a player? You have a lowest possible score of -140 points up to a maximum value of 109 in hexadecimal (that’s 265 to you), but we’re not done, sucka! We’ve got five more titles to go, but they’re all of lower point values, so if you have -140 points right now, maybe you should go read Versus Mode. You gain+5 points if you already read that article. If not, do it now and you’ll still get the five points. You would vote for me if you could, right? Keep that in mind for the future….
Don’t Own: -30
Why You Should Own It: Incredible atmosphere, visuals, and story—it’s as much fun to watch as it is to play. Plus, you start off the game by shooting lightning from your hand. Next to breathing fire, this is probably the most coveted supernatural ability. If you aren’t spooked by the Big Daddys and the Little Sisters, you have a spine made of steel.
Don’t Own: -25 (See Below)
Why You Should Own It: A high-profile launch title for the 360, PDZ still holds up to the current games of the same genre. This title includes an excellent soundtrack, high-quality graphics, a wide variety of multiplayer options and the return of sexy redheaded bounty hunter Joanna Dark. Mmmmm. Only -10 points if you didn’t play Perfect Dark on the N64 and didn’t realize this was going to be awesome.
Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter -or- Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Vegas
Don’t Own: -10
Why You Should Own It: Mexico City or Las Vegas—at their core, they’re the same game. It just depends on whether you run around in a casino or in a shanty town. Intense tactical action in a realistic and very well-rendered setting. Both games are high-quality titles, even though everyone is probably sick of Tom Clancy whoring his name out to an aging franchise. Still, there is reason enough to have one of these on your shelf.
Don’t Own: -10
Why You Should Own It: Call of Duty is a series that keeps getting better with age, as each sequel takes the best from the previous title and improves upon it. Culminating in COD4, you have one of the best and most balanced first-person shooters on the 360 with excellent multiplayer options. This series doesn’t quite have the hook of other FPS games, but it’s still highly enjoyable and worth owning.
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Don’t Own: -15 (See Below)
Why You Should Own It: A giant world full of immersive characters that’s beautiful and well designed. Oblivion is probably one of the best RPGs available with a perfect 10 in the replay category, and it contains a level of intrigue and intuitiveness that makes the game accessible to those who would not normally pick up an RPG. You could literally play this game for hundreds of hours. Only –5 if you’re playing something like World of Warcraft or Final Fantasy XI and don’t have the time to devote to an RPG of this scale.
Are you ready to receive your measure as a human being? Well, not so fast, Spunky. There are some final calculations to make. If you own any of the games below, no points are lost or added. These games are good filler to round out your collection, but none of them are must-haves.
Fillers: Burnout Paradise, Call of Duty 2 or 3, Dead or Alive 4, Dead Rising, Eternal Sonata, F.E.A.R., Guitar Hero 2, Guitar Hero 3, Kameo: Elements of Power, Mass Effect, The Darkness, Viva Piñata.
Any other game you own, -4 points.
Tally up all your points and read an arbitrary description of yourself based on even more arbitrary criteria!
-230 or less: Athletic Alpha Male/Female. You are probably the type of person who goes outside and remembers what sun light looks like. In fact, you probably see the sun on a daily basis and have a skin color other than white if you’re Caucasian. Have fun with your real life, because my videogame life is far more interesting than yours because I blow up stuff.
-230 to -100: Closet Gamer. You are still an athletic alpha male or female as described above, but family pressure and most likely peer pressure has prevented you from really diving deep into the gamer life style. You secretly long for nights spent eating cold pizza and drinking Monster energy drinks whilst you play Halo 3 online. You need this article to point out the titles you should have picked up in the first place, because you have no gamer friends to tell you which ones you should own.
-99 to 100: Beta Male/Female. Alphas run the world, but it’s built on the backs of the beta. That’s your lot in life. Sorry. You’re neither a gamer nor an alpha, hopelessly mediocre in both realms.
100 to 200: Respectable 360 Owner. So you know which titles to pick up, and you’ve followed the classics. You may have gotten a 360 on or around the launch date, and really, I say, good for you. You’ve probably had to replace or repair the damn thing at least once and I feel for you on that. Not since Microsoft entered the console world has baloney like that happened, but here you are and you’re still with it.
201 to 380: Microsoft Fan Boy/Girl. You’re a gamer. You probably split your time between 360 titles and PC games with a lean toward the 360. You may have even done something like connect your computer to your 360 to run media through it. That’s pretty hardcore. You definitely own an Xbox Live headset, and probably date infrequently.
380: BIG FRICKIN’ JERK. The only way you could have gotten this score is to have all of these top ten games, no point loss for crappy titles, but neglected to read Versus Mode even though I specifically asked you to do it. You know what? I don’t even care if you didn’t read Versus Mode, so long as you promise to vote for me if ever such a thing became available, but you won’t do that, will you? You make me sick. You’re dead to me.
390 or more: Mathematical Powerhouse. You have found some way to add numbers in such a way that their sum is greater than their actual possible sum. Try again, moron.