Welcome to “The Grass is Always…” For those of you who weren’t reading GameCola in 2006, the general idea of this column is that two people play a game together, and someone tapes it. Then all the random funny stuff that gets said is typed up for your amusement.
This month, we’re showcasing the random ramblings of the GameCola Dream Team, the big winners of the end-of-year awards, Michael Gray and Marianne.
Marianne, shockingly, had never played an NES game before, so Michael showed her what all the fuss is about by pulling out his copy of Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt.
Marianne: I’m getting the thing! What the hell?
Michael: You missed.
Marianne: No I didn’t.
Marianne: (misses again)
Michael: Ha ha! You suck.
Marianne: This game sucks. I don’t like hunting ducks. I feel for the ducks.
Michael: Oh, come on, you just can’t hit anything.
Marianne: I’m helping the duck population. I don’t want to hurt them.
Michael: You just have to get a feel for this game.
Marianne: Is that the way you’re supposed to play, an inch away from the screen?
Michael: It’s not an inch away. It’s three inches, and yes, that’s legit. Anything that lets me get a higher score than you.
Marianne: This game is boring. It’s just versus the ducks. There’s nothing else to do.
Michael: Sure there is. There’s clay mode. I haven’t shown you that yet.
Marianne: What? Clay mode? Versus clay?
Michael: Yes, it’s versus clay.
Marianne: Clay Aiken? How good a shot is Clay Aiken?
Michael: No, it’s not Clay Aiken.
Marianne: Why would you shoot clay? You don’t get the satisfaction of taking another creature’s life.
Michael: It’s training for murders.
Marianne: Some murderers use knives, did you think of that?
Super Mario Bros.
Marianne: This is too easy. You’re getting all the good stuff.
Michael: (starts to reply, but gets hit while he’s distracted)
Michael: [bad word], Marianne!
Marianne: You lost your magical fire powers.
Marianne: Why didn’t Mario keep that power in any of the N64 games?
Marianne: Then he wouldn’t be such a laughable midget in N64. He’d actually have a chance with Peach.
Michael: You’re saying he didn’t get a chance with Peach because he was a midget?
Marianne: I don’t mean to be anti-midget, here.
Michael: Well, OK, just double-checking.
Michael: I got the giant mushroom of bigness.
Marianne: Wouldn’t it be nice if we could get all our midgets and feed them mushrooms? Then all our problems would be solved.
Michael: Marianne, you’re being a little racially intolerant towards black people.
Marianne: Gary Coleman, or what?
I’m tired of typing stuff up. Marianne, you write a conclusion.
[Conclusion not written because Marianne was too lazy to answer my e-mails]