[NSFW] DOOM (JAG)

I haven’t written for GameCola in a long–ass time. It seems like a lifetime ago I used to do, what, 3-4 reviews a month? Then, all at once, the life I’ve spent every waking moment since I graduated from high school to get all came rushing in—AT ONCE. The new half-Japanese wife, the record contract, two albums released, the publishing contract, the search and agonizing acquisition of the house, the Seiken Densetsu 3 project and everything that went along with that. You know when you’ve been sitting on the toilet for two hours and you’re making deals with God or Satan to finish it off already, and just before you give up, POW! it comes out so fast you have to tear yourself a new one just to keep up with it all? Yeah, it’s kinda like that.

And there have been some pretty shitty moments in there that left me with a lot of extraneous assholes. I pretty much had to market my novel and albums myself, largely as a result of what it means to be “indie” these days, and we were stalked by something that we literally could not get rid of without a pastor. The minute we got that pastor done and out, there was a reversal for good, as indicated by the sudden mating of our two pet Zebra Finches (who are likely brother and sister. Ick.), but that was six months of energy drained and we had to reassess many things. As I sit here now, at the start of May, we have our house, our energy and health continue to improve, I’m about to finish up a new soundtrack and find a good segue to mention that the neighbor who helped us restart Ge’ne’s car battery actually tried to steal my Halloween welcome mat the next day. Seriously, what the fuck, dude? I offered you cash!

So now, to celebrate the grand re-flowering of Meteo Xavier, I re-introduce myself with a re-view…of DOOM for the Jaguar.

“Oh **sus, Meteo,” I can hear you pissing in the wind. “After all that emotional sob story above, you review DOOM? For a system I don’t care about? Really?”

Yes, really! Actually, there is some sentimental value there, as DOOM for the Jaguar is both the first game I played after I married Ge’ne, and the first game I played in this new house here. Why not I should review it?

DOOM for the Jaguar seems right at home, truth be told. The Atari Jaguar has always been my favorite “fringe” console, a mass-marketed videogame machine that just couldn’t hang with the big boys. It was almost 100% American developed and a good fit for PC-style games that we didn’t have to spend $2,300 on for something with 32MB RAM and a processor that’s more watch battery than anything. DOOM was only natural, like Wolfenstein 3D.

THIS is my major malfunction, motherfucker.

Unlike Wolfenstein 3D on the Jaguar, though, this version actually pales to the PC version in a number of ways. They didn’t remake this one like they did with W3D. It’s essentially the same version as the PC with stuff edited down or out. Twenty-three to 24 levels instead of 27. Some items and monsters taken out. Control that takes some serious getting used to and, oh, the music is almost ENTIRELY GONE. There is only level music during the Get Ready screen to the next level. Seriously! The Atari Jaguar’s music chip is also the same chip that does cycles for the game itself…which is still bullshit, as music plays during other Jaguar games, but whatever.

The graphics are an issue, too. They’re not terrible, but definitely a lot more pixelated (which is a disappoint after the great job they did with W3D), slower and with maps that are almost impossible to see. Control takes about five levels to get used to, and even then you will get hit by stray balls just like I am right now (the Wi-Fi here in the WMCA locker rooms sucks). Your pistol will rarely aim right and your shotgun will be your best friend for the first eight levels.

As you can see, level maps in DOOM consist of my colonoscopy x-rays that John Carmack stole
using Terminator witchcraft—although this looks like a redesign…

As for the game itself, it still plays pretty faithfully to the PC version, and you’ll have a blast with it…for about the first 11 levels. After that, the game loses a lot of momentum. The only thing that truly keeps you going is the thought of a major crazy fight against the Cyberdemon or something, but like my new polyfiber penis to replace the one I bet against at the Lindsay Lohan trial, it will never come. The worst enemy in this game is the Baron of Hell—no slouch, but not the game-ending boss I deserve after trudging through 23 levels of what is basically a bunch of levels crammed on a cart.

I still enjoy the game quite a bit, but mostly for the fact that it’s one of the best games for the Jaguar, not on its own merits. It works and it’s a cop-out. I might be able to give it a higher score for its Co-op Mode and Deathmatch, but you need two Jaguars, two copies of the game, two TVs and a special something to hook them all together.

Did you even know anyone with a Jaguar before I came around? Who the hell has two?

Well, I do, but anyway, I’m calling this game “above average” at 6 out of 10. I’ll be sure to play it first when I move into my next house—which will be never, considering what I went through to get this one.

It was as close to this as I will ever experience on Earth, and I didn’t
have the pleasure of an assault rifle at the closing meeting.