Secret of the Stars (SNES)

Speaking of illegal child labor...

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  • System: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
  • Genre: Role-playing
  • Max Players: 1
  • US Release: November 1993
  • Developer: Tecmo
  • Publisher: Tecmo

There are some people out there who refer to 1993-1995 as the “Golden Age of RPGs.”  While a few notable games were released in the US at this time, there was a large amount of games that were wastes of plastic.  Secret of the Stars is one of these games.

I suppose that this game is a bit more suited for the NES era, but even then, games like Final Fantasy, Dragon Warrior, and Megami Tensei twist its arm around and make it say “uncle.”  The only game that this game could beat is probably that godawful Final Fantasy Adventure game (which is really a Mana game renamed), but even that’s doubtful.  It’d be like that one Seinfeld episode where Kramer takes karate to beat up kids in his free time, and later they gang up on him and beat him up.

This game wouldn’t be so bad if its music were better.  But it isn’t.  The music was probably composed by a retarded kid with a rattle, so this game gets a few points for hiring retards (just because they’re not as smart doesn’t mean they can’t be productive), but loses some for the illegal child labor.

sossn1Speaking of illegal child labor, there is some in this game.  In fact, the main character is forced to take on the task of saving the world at an age of a single digit.  After that, his home is destroyed by a crazy old guy who wants to blow up the island he lives on for some reason, which gives him the driving force of revenge (which is TOTALLY ORIGINAL and is such a good premise for a plot </sarcasm>).

Also, it turns out that he is one of four destined warriors (WHOA!  That was totally not done in FFI-III and FFIV!!) and that he has to save the world (they never did that before!) from the dark spirit of evil ( ToTaLlY oRiGiNaL).  This game is so generic that it is kind of fun to try to predict what will happen next (and you’ll always get it right if you’ve played as many RPGs as I have).

Y’know, sometimes I wish that we reviewers at GameCola didn’t have to factor in how good a game’s controls are so that this game could get a worse rating, but I guess that’s my little cross to bear.  Secret of the Stars‘ controls aren’t too  bad; there is just a little bit of sluggishness every once in a while.  This is the ONLY REDEEMING FACTOR OF THIS GAME.

…although now that I think of it, it would be better if you COULDN’T operate the controller.  Hell, it’d be better not having any arms.  This game makes me jealous of amputees.

With how this review has been going, I doubt I really have to explain why I’m giving Secret of the Stars a 0 in replay value.  There is no play.  There cannot be a replay without a play.  You don’t play this game; you EXPERIENCE it.  And the experience is about as bad as having a railroad spike shoved up your ass.

And of course, there’s the graphics rating.  I prefer substance over style and I don’t really think that visuals should be 1/5 of a game’s rating, but hey, I didn’t make these guidelines.  I just rate by ’em.  But anyway, Secret of the Stars is an ugly game.  Imagine the fattest, oldest, ugliest person you’ve ever seen, like some kind of fusion between Oprah, Tipper Gore, and Whoopi Goldberg.  Now imagine that in cartridge form and that this evil being has invaded your SNES.  YES, THE GAME IS *THAT* BAD.  Don’t make the same foolish mistake I did…don’t play Secret of the Stars.

  • GameCola Rates This Game: 2 - Very Bad
  • Score Breakdown

  • Fun Score: 1
  • Audio Score: 2
  • Visuals Score: 2
  • Controls Score: 5.5
2 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 102 votes, average: 4.50 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)

About the Contributor

From 2004 to 2004

Aaron Waters is a former staff member from GameCola's early days as a monthly email newsletter.

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