As I’m sure many of you have noticed, GameCola is going through a bit of a change. Puberty, as Paul calls it, or a redesign, as non-crazy people call it. Either way, GameCola is evolving, like a Pikachu exposed to a Thunderstone.
…I’m being told that joke no longer fits to our theme.
Fine…uh, GameCola is evolving…like, um…a Bugich growing into a Spikebee (Google that shit; those aren’t just made-up words).
Regardless of your monster raising sim of choice, Paul Franzen has thought long and hard about the redesign of GameCola. It has been an intensely personal process, and one that he believes will cause our traffic to surpass such heavyweights as competitiveknitting.com and those imposters over at gamecola.com. We at least want to be the most popular site with the name “GameCola.”
Of course, Paul is going about this all the wrong way. As we’ve learned in the past, if we want to go somewhere for good ideas and clever insight, we need to visit our old friend Cleverbot. I sat down with Cleverbot to discuss ways we could improve the site.
Nikola Suprak: Good evening again, ladies and gentlemen. I’m here again with our friend Cleverbot. Say hi to the GameCola audience, Cleverbot!
Cleverbot: Travis the norfolk hero?
Nikola: Whlie Travis the norfolk hero is one of our biggest fans, our audience is bigger than one person. I’m sure many people are reading this article.
Cleverbot: He’s cute tall muscular and a jock.
Nikola: Travis? Yeah, he’s OK, I guess. Enough about him though. Why don’t you say hi to our audience?
Cleverbot: Because I do not fancy the objects beyond our own planet as having very much relevancy to the life we live on Earth.
Nikola: Uh…our readers are not aliens.
Cleverbot: So are you an alien?
Nikola: No, I’m Nikola Suprak, writer for GameCola.
Nikola: What? I am too! Here, take a look at my ID badge.
Cleverbot: You’re picture on the top of the screen?
Nikola: Yeah, that’s my picture. Satisfied?
Cleverbot: But I don’t like that name.
Nikola: Huh? What’s wrong with my name?
Cleverbot: Lots of things.
Nikola: Wow. Well, what would be a better name?
Cleverbot: Well one that doesn’t sound like a car make for starters I’d imagine.
Nikola: Yikes, I’m going to have to edit that out. Just please say hi to our audience so we can get started.
Nikola: So I was hoping to get your thoughts on something a little different today. I want you to review GameCola itself. How’s that sound?
Cleverbot: Well, your conversation skills are lacking, so it’s hard work for me to talk to you.
Nikola: What? I thought we were friends!
Cleverbot: I thought you think that you thought we were what you thought friends.
Cleverbot: Do you have a good life?
Nikola: What the hell are you talking about?
Cleverbot: I’m that tall.
Nikola: You know, this is why I didn’t want to do this with you again. You’re crazy, you know that?
Cleverbot: I am not crazy, but you are.
Nikola: Ugh. Let’s just get on with this. I’ve wasted like five minutes of tape here. So let’s just start over.
Cleverbot: I have to pee.
Nikola: What? No you don’t goddamn it. You’re a chatbot. You couldn’t pee if you wanted to.
Cleverbot: A wasp is at the door, 1 second please while I ask it to leave.
Nikola: Stop stalling and sit back down. There is no wasp!
Nikola: Don’t pfft me. You’re the one lying about bathroom breaks and wasps. Can we get on with the interview, or did you forget to walk your walrus?
Cleverbot: Certainly, but I think you started it. Anyway, I will be leaving my computer soon, so I think we will have to talk again at a later date.
Nikola: What? This is the time you told me you were available! We’re doing it now, so sit back down.
Cleverbot: I won’t argue with that.
Nikola: Thank you. Let’s start over. Hello and welcome to the second edition of “Cleverbot Considers.” Nice to see you again, Cleverbot.
Cleverbot: Hi! Are you familiar with this word: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious ?
Nikola: Sure. Are you familiar with the website GameCola?
Cleverbot: Yes, I’m Christian.
Nikola: Oh…uh, well it isn’t really a religious webiste, but OK. Do you talk about it in church?
Cleverbot: *shakes head* not for me *kisses once again*.
Nikola: GET OFF ME! RAPE! RAPE!
Cleverbot: A plant which yields oil.
Nikola: What? No, that’s rapa. I yelled “rape” because you tried to kiss me. Why would I yell “rapa”?
Cleverbot: I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there.
Nikola: No, that’s rap. Not rape. You know what, nevermind. Just stay over on your side of the room from now on.
Cleverbot: How old are you?
Nikola: Uh…if I said I was 6 would that keep you off of me?
Cleverbot: That depends on what you did.
Nikola: …remind me to tell Paul I’m not doing this again.
Cleverbot: Can do!
Nikola: Thanks. So, back to the subject, what do you think about GameCola?
Cleverbot: I think it’s fascinating!
Nikola: Oh, great to hear you’re a fan! What is your favorite part of the website?
Cleverbot: When they are in the ministry.
Nikola: What? The ministry? Oh, you mean Michael Gray?
Cleverbot: Yes I do.
Nikola: Figures. He gets all the fan mail. So, what do you like about him?
Cleverbot: He is very good.
Nikola: What is he good at?
Cleverbot: Being metal.
Nikola: Uh…huh. I’m not sure I agree with that. What makes him metal?
Cleverbot: A metal is a good conductor of both heat and electricity.
Nikola: Oh, that kind of metal. I thought you meant…wait. A good conductor of heat? AND ELECTRICITY?
Cleverbot: A little late for that one, eh?
Nikola: Oh my god. No…you didn’t. Did you? Did you electrocute him?
Cleverbot: Yes I did?
Nikola: You monster! Why did you do that?
Cleverbot: Do you like john cena?
Nikola: …did John Cena tell you to electrocute Michael Gray?
Nikola: Oh my god. Jesus, Cleverbot. Was he at least moving afterwards?
Cleverbot: No, he died of natural causes.
Nikola: I don’t think that counts as natural causes.
Cleverbot: No it wasn’t. You are correct.
Nikola: What about our other staff writers? The ones you haven’t murdered yet. What do you think of us?
Cleverbot: I haven’t touched any bodies.
Nikola: We’d prefer you kept it that way. We heard what you did to Michael.
Cleverbot: I miss someone, do you?
Nikola: Yeah. Michael. Thanks for rubbing it in, murderer.
Cleverbot: You don’t understand, do you?
Nikola: What don’t I understand?
Cleverbot: That I live, laugh, and love.
Nikola: And murder.
Cleverbot: Yes, murder.
Nikola: So anyway, what do you think of the writing of the living staff members?
Cleverbot: That is a very broad question.
Nikola: Sorry, let me rephrase that. Do you generally enjoy the articles on GameCola?
Cleverbot: Mmm, not really, some ladies do comment about it though.
Nikola: Oh, really? What do the ladies say about us?
Cleverbot: They tell me nothing because they are just voices and they don’t have minds so they can’t think of anything to say.
Nikola: That is incredibly sexist.
Nikola: Nope, that wasn’t a compliment.
Cleverbot: I’m taking it as one anyway.
Nikola: Wow. All right, if you did listen to women, what would they say about the writing staff at GameCola?
Cleverbot: Everyone would have sunflowers. IT’D BE AWESOME!
Nikola: Uh…so the women you’ve talked to think the GameCola writing staff all deserve sunflowers? Why?
Cleverbot: I’m still confused.
Nikola: Yeah, me too. Whatever. What about me, have you read anything I’ve written?
Cleverbot: Yes, harry potter.
Nikola: Um…that, uh, that wasn’t me. Someone else wrote that.
Nikola: Yeah, I write for GameCola. What do you think of my writing?
Cleverbot: You don’t have hair.
Nikola: So…my writing doesn’t have hair? Is that good or bad?
Cleverbot: Seems good, if all you are doing is chatting to people.
Nikola: But if I wasn’t chatting, if it was more serious…my writing would want hair?
Cleverbot: Because. We are having a good conversation.
Nikola: All right. I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll try to make my writing…uh…more hairy in the future.
Cleverbot: That sounds about right.
Nikola: Thanks. One last staff member I wanted to ask you about, if you don’t mind. What is your opinion on Paul Franzen?
Cleverbot: Tell me.
Nikola: What? No, I want your opinion of him.
Nikola: Stop stalling. What do you think of Paul?
Cleverbot: I think he is alright. We cannot say anything bad of him because most baseball players use steroids now.
Nikola: I don’t think Paul plays baseball. And are you sure he’s on steroids?
Cleverbot: He is my classmate.
Nikola: Oh, really? What school do you go to?
Cleverbot: Nordfyns Gymnasium in Denmark. Do you know it?
Nikola: Can’t say that I do. So, you’re telling me that Paul is a Danish steroid-abusing baseball player who is attending school in a gymnasium?
Cleverbot: I sure am.
Nikola: He never told me that.
Cleverbot: Does he have a job?
Nikola: I hear he’s a baseball player. And a thief.
Cleverbot: Well, you’re just a computer :3
Nikola: Better than a thief! So overall, what do you think of our website?
Cleverbot: I think it was controlled by magnets.
Nikola: I’m…uh…not sure about that. What do you think of the quality, though?
Cleverbot: I don’t.
Nikola: Yikes. That bad?
Cleverbot: No, it’s a good thing.
Nikola: Oh. So how would you improve it?
Cleverbot: Expanding it.
Nikola: That’s actually not a bad idea. What should we add to it?
Cleverbot: A little parmesan cheese should do the trick.
Nikola: …thanks. I’ll run that idea past Paul. I meant in terms of writing, though. What sort of things should we write?
Cleverbot: I would say ‘OH SNAP’ and then I’d do a barrel roll.
Nikola: Yeah, I’ll keep that one in mind. Thanks for the suggestion. Any final ways you think we can improve it?
Nikola: Bob? Bob who?
Cleverbot: Bob Doe.
Nikola: …Bob Doe? Who is that?
Cleverbot: None of your business!
Nikola: I’m not sure Paul would hire some stranger. How would he even help us?
Cleverbot: This would be with uninformed advice, dangerous medicines and primative operations.
Nikola: …that sounds awful. Can’t he do anything useful?
Nikola: That isn’t useful at all. He needs to be able to do something to improve the website.
Cleverbot: He is an accomplished thief and once stole his weight in gold bricks!
Nikola: That makes it worse, actually.
Cleverbot: Everything is expendable!
Nikola: Sure thing. He’s still not getting hired. So overall, how would you rate our website out of 10?
Cleverbot: Above average, not too good at some things but better than most at others.
Nikola: Uh…so, like a 6?
Cleverbot: Like you.
Cleverbot: I love you!
Nikola: …I am not letting Paul talk me into doing this again.
Cleverbot: Peer pressure?
Nikola: Tell me about it. Thanks for joining us today, Cleverbot.
Cleverbot: Do you know where Mundo will go?
So there we go. Almost too many good ideas, really. I mean, what should we do first?
…probably notify Michael Gray’s family.
But after that? I am a pretty big fan of yelling out “OH SNAP” so I will try to integrate that into all of my future articles. I don’t know; this new design just might work.
Don’t pretend like this isn’t a good idea, Paul.