[NSFW] The Great Omegle Debate: MURDER MOST FOUL

For those of you unfamiliar with Omegle, it is a website that allows you to chat with other users at random. Half of the users are bots (not particularly clever ones, however) and the other half are anonymous, racist douchebags who are trying to out-compete each other for the coveted title of Worst Human in the Universe. And each and every one of them is trying to have sex with you. Approximately 100% of the conversations involve either a sexbot trying to clumsily seduce you or a 25-year-old male from Switzerland asking you what your gender is, and immediately disconnecting and calling you a string of homophobic slurs if you don’t respond with “18 year old blond female horny oh yeah.”

So, of course, this is the absolute best group of people to interview for a videogame column. I attempted to talk with 200 people (I kept count!) and here are the only six responses that were in the least bit coherent. The question?

IF YOU COULD MURDER ONE VIDEOGAME CHARACTER, WHO WOULD IT BE?

Stranger: Rochelle from L4D2

Nikola: Why Rochelle?

Stranger: I hate her, everything she says in game makes me want to shoot her, which I do occasionally

Nikola: Is she really worse than Ellis?

Stranger: Ellis is a bro he like making up storys that ar so far fetch your cant help but laughs

Stranger: likes*

Stranger: Rochelle is “let me AXE you a question” son of a bee sting !”

Stranger: and other stupid quotes that I dont remember since I stopped playing a year ago

Nikola: By killing her you realize you are killing off one of the last living females, right?

Stranger: pssh

Nikola: You are literally dooming the human race because you don’t like puns.

Stranger: we dont know if anywhere outside the us is infected

Stranger: and if she was the mother of all future civilization Id shoot myself

Nikola: So you would choose to end humanity over reproducing with Rochelle?

Stranger: yep

Stranger: would much rather have zoey

Nikola: She’s not with you though.

Nikola: It’s Rochelle.

Nikola: Or Coach.

Nikola: Those are your only cuddle options.

Nikola: And you have to pick one.

Stranger: oh well, guess humanity is doomed, and Coach would be a million time sbetter

Nikola: What did Rochelle do to hurt you so bad?

Nikola: Spurn your advances?

Nikola: Take the last health pack?

Nikola: Leave you to the tank?

Stranger: I honestly cannot accept the fact that you like rochell despite her awful voice lines

Nikola: I don’t like her.

Nikola: I’m just saying you have to think this through.

Stranger: no

Stranger: theres no thought

Stranger: shes the worse vidya character created in the last decade and shes hideous

Nikola: Did you know that 85% of gamers said Rochelle is a ‘babe’?

Nikola: That’s just science.

Stranger: psssh

Stranger: Id like to see you scientific findings

Stranger: your*

Nikola: Hey, I’m interviewing you here.

Stranger: yeah as you throw around ‘facts’ without any backup

Nikola: Are you sure Rochelle is your final choice?

Nikola: I’m giving you a chance to back out.

Nikola: Save the human race.

Stranger: nope, humanity is doomed

Nikola: Heartless.

Nikola: So how would you murder her?

Nikola: I mean, she’s already surrounded by zombies.

Nikola: She might die of natural causes.

Stranger: cut off her tounge, throw her into a pit of zombies

Nikola: Interesting.

Nikola: …wait, why would you cut off her tongue?

Nikola: And how did you get a zombie pit?

Stranger: just so even if she lived, I could never hear her retarded quips again

Nikola: She could point out who did it to her though.

Stranger: so?

Nikola: This is a terrible murder plan.

Stranger: the world would thank me for the great sacrficie for mankind

Nikola: Coach, Nick, and Ellis would stop you.

Stranger: nah

Stranger: they hate the bitch as much as I do

Nikola: As soon as you started gathering zombies for your pit.

Nikola: They’d be like “hey, something is up with that guy.”

Nikola: “Why does he have that zombie on a leash?”

Nikola: And then BAM you’re caught.

Stranger: “oh he must be planning to off Ro, I like that guy”

Stranger: “Yeah”

Stranger: BROFIST

Nikola: No, that isn’t what would happen.

Stranger: says who

Nikola: No brofisting would occur.

Stranger: says you

Nikola: We ran the data.

Stranger: sure you did

Nikola: It is very scientific.

Stranger: spiderman

Stranger: I don’t like him

Nikola: Spider-Man?

Nikola: Are you Kingpin?

Nikola: Who picks Spider-Man?

Stranger: a ramdom person does.

Nikola: Why don’t you like Spider-Man?

Nikola: He is a hero!

Stranger: no shepard is a hero

Stranger: off mass effect 3

Nikola: There can be multiple heroes.

Nikola: It isn’t just one guy gets the title and then the job is filled.

Nikola: There is more than one fireman in most departments.

Stranger: I know lol.

Nikola: What is wrong with Spider-Man?

Nikola: He saves people.

Stranger: nothing wrong with him. you just asked who I would murder

Nikola: …so there is nothing wrong with him.

Nikola: But you want him dead.

Nikola: That is terrifying.

Stranger: hmm a little. I don’t like the web shit

Stranger: he shoots webs at people. doesn’t interest me

Nikola: That isn’t a reason to kill someone!

Stranger: ok

Nikola: “Meh, he bores me.”

Stranger: real anser then

Nikola: STAB STAB STAB

Nikola: OK.

Nikola: Better answer this time: go.

Stranger: cratos off of god of war

Nikola: …you really don’t like heroes, do you?

Nikola: Greetings and welcome to GameCola interviews random people on Omegle!

Stranger: Yay! Omg omg

Nikola: If you could murder one videogame character, who would it be?

Stranger: Megaman, everyone would be devastated.

Nikola: Why Mega Man?

Stranger: I grew up with megaman.

Stranger: Thus I hate him

Nikola: I can tell you that some people at GameCola now hate you forever.

Nikola: …do you want to murder everything you grew up with?

Stranger: Everything… Except ponies.

Nikola: That is good at least. As long as the ponies are safe.

Nikola: So, why do you hate Mega Man though?

Stranger: He’s overrated, link would totally win in a battle.

Stranger: Mario would probably lose though

Nikola: You realize that Mega Man has a gun.

Stranger: Link has fairies.

Nikola: Guns beat fairies.

Nikola: Haven’t you ever played Rock Gun Fairy?

Stranger: Nnope. lol

Nikola: So your hatred for Mega Man is only because he is overrated?

Nikola: Nothing else wrong with him?

Stranger: I liked megaman before he was cool (Hipster XD)

Nikola: So he’s too mainstream for you now?

Stranger: Way too *Manestream for a pony like me…

Nikola: He sold out, basically.

Stranger: Exactly.

Stranger: So did sonic.

Nikola: So, how would a pony like you kill Mega Man?

Nikola: I’m assuming the power of friendship?

Stranger: Nnope. Elements of harmony

Stranger: Turn him to stone.

Nikola: Explain this to me.

Nikola: I’m missing a step here somehow.

Nikola: Harmony -> ???? -> stone

Nikola: That part in the middle seems important.

Stranger: You obviously have not seen the show.

Nikola: Well, pretend that I haven’t.

Stranger: They use the power of friendship to ruin peoples lives.

Nikola: I mean, I totally have.

Nikola: But our readers might not have.

Stranger: Indeed.

Nikola: So, you would use friendship to turn Mega Man to stone?

Stranger: Yes. Then, in a thousand years. I would use the Elements of harmony to turn him into my slave.

Stranger: With friendship

Nikola: What if he had just defeated Erosion Man and was immune to stone attacks?

Nikola: You need a backup plan.

Stranger: Touche.

Stranger: T_T

Nikola: He’s coming at you with his laser cannon.

Nikola: THINK FAST.

Stranger: Then I’d get luna to turn into nightmare moon. Summon the shadowbolts and have them kill him.

Nikola: So you’d go get someone else to kill him?

Nikola: A hit-pony, it sounds like.

Nikola: Do ponies take out hits on people?

Nikola: This seems sketchy to me.

Stranger: All the time. That’s my job.

Stranger: Somepony’s gotta do it.

Stranger: Is mayonaise a video game character?

Nikola: No, not yet.

Nikola: That is a condiment.

Nikola: For fatties.

Stranger: Bubsy.

Stranger: WORST

Stranger: SERIES EVER

Nikola: Bubsy, the cat?

Stranger: Yup

Nikola: You would murder a cat?

Stranger: Sure would.

Nikola: Why Bubsy?

Stranger: Because the games are terribly made and constantly stroke their own ego within the game itself.

Stranger: In Bubsy 3D, Bubsy comments on the arrows pointing to their destination saying “Wow these game designers sure are great, look at these helpful yellow arrows!” Or something to that effect.

Nikola: Is there anything else wrong with him, other than being annoying?

Stranger: Well he is a bobcat that somehow glides

Stranger: That’s something inherently wrong

Nikola: Cats glide.

Stranger: Totally man

Nikola: You just need to grease the floor.

Stranger: I meant through the air lol

Nikola: So he’s a flying cat?

Stranger: yup

Nikola: That makes him sound cool, actually.

Nikola: You’re hurting your argument.

Stranger: I’d still kill the fucker.

Nikola: Yikes.

Nikola: What is a suitable death for Bubsy then?

Stranger: Shotgun to the face.

Nikola: Wow.

Nikola: He’s just a cat.

Nikola: Shotgun seems excessive.

Stranger: Well you see considering his various crimes, a shotgun seems appropriate

Nikola: When he sees you coming at him with a shotgun.

Nikola: Yellow arrows will appear and lead him away from you.

Nikola: See, those are helpful.

Stranger: Still a shotgun to the face.

Nikola: Well, you are a man of conviction, and I can appreciate that.

Nikola: Even if that conviction is kitten murder.

Stranger: larry from walking dead

Nikola: That’s the guy who randomly punches you when you’re trying to leave the pharmacy, right?

Stranger: yeah exactly

Stranger: thats all i could think of recently haha

Nikola: So you didn’t appreciate the random attempt to murder you for no discernible reason?

Stranger: not at all

Nikola: I have to say, this seems risky.

Nikola: I’m not sure the other survivors would appreciate you murdering one of the last living people.

Stranger: true but he is too arragant and he could eventually put everyone in danger

Nikola: OK, so pretend I’m his daughter.

Nikola: Explain to me why you murdered my father.

Stranger: he waqs being irrational and has repeatedly tried to kill other people in our group, it was a matter of time before he succeeded

Stranger: was*

Nikola: HE WAS MY FATHER YOU MONSTER!

Nikola: WHY!

Nikola: DADDY WHY!?

Nikola: OH GOD WHY…

Nikola: HE DIDNT HURT ANYONE!

Stranger: actually he was hurting everyone and im sorry. Please try to understand that was dangerous to everyone around him, including you

Stranger: he was*

Nikola: HOW ARE YOU POSSIBLY SO CALM ABOUT THIS?

Nikola: STOP EMPHASIZING “WAS” YOU’RE MAKING IT MUCH WORSE!!!

Nikola: *SOB*

Nikola: YOU KILLED HIM IN COLD BLOOD!

Nikola: HE WAS A WAR HERO!

Nikola: HE KNEW THE CURE FOR THIS WHOLE OUTBREAK!

Stranger: well fuck i hope he wrote it down somewhere

Nikola: HE NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WRITE.

Nikola: TOO BUSY SAVING ORPHANS FROM FIRES!

Nikola: …and now the world is doomed.

Nikola: I have to say, you didn’t do a good job calming her down.

Stranger: How would you approach it?

Nikola: Don’t even tell her.

Stranger: you didnt give me that option haha

Nikola: Just come back and be like “Uh, yeah, he’s dead. Zombies got him.”

Nikola: I mean, if you just wait a bit longer there’s a chance he could die anyway.

Nikola: He isn’t exactly in a good situation.

Stranger: yeah i could just not get his pills

Nikola: See?

Nikola: Much better idea.

Nikola: Now you have his hysterical daughter on his hands because you just told her you murdered her father the way most people tell someone what they had for lunch.

Stranger: hahahaha

Stranger: well shit, you didnt give me the option of leaving him with zombies

Stranger: or HOW i kill him

Nikola: Well fine.

Nikola: HOW would you kill him?

Stranger: “accidently ” misplace his pills

Stranger: let everything take care of itself from there

Nikola: You guys are in like a two-room pharmacy.

Nikola: She can see what you’re doing.

Stranger: never give em’ to him

Nikola: She saw the pills through the grating!

Stranger: ” uhh, i couldnt find the keys. we have to go”

Nikola: Ah, so you just wouldn’t even open the door.

Nikola: But now his daughter is begging you.

Nikola: PLEASE!

Nikola: PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!

Nikola: I THINK I SAW THE KEYS OUTSIDE!

Stranger: I cant go out there, i have a little girl to look after and its not worth the risk

Stranger: im sorry

Nikola: Lily will definitely remember this decision.

Stranger: hahahaha

Nikola: In future episodes, I want you to remember that if Lily helps you for whatever reason, your game ends there.

Nikola: Because Lily hates you.

Stranger: I will definitely keep that in mind

Nikola: This is legally binding.

Stranger: BUT i also have the reporter

Stranger: i saved her

Nikola: Well I hope you don’t need anything that requires batteries.

Stranger: hahahaha

Nikola: Because she will put them in sideways somehow.

Stranger: i’ll handle the batteries, she can do the shooting

Nikola: All right, that might work.

. .

And now, like any good debate, it is time for the moderator (me) to declare a winner. But first, time for the consolation prizes!

The “Band-Aid On a Gunshot Wound” Award

As you could tell, I didn’t edit any of the responses for grammar, spelling, or punctuation because trying to correct all this would take years. I copy-pasted this whole thing into Word, and by the third interview I could hear the Microsoft Word spellcheck crying and begging me to just kill it and put it out of its misery. However, in all of this I found this response the most amusing:

Stranger: Ellis is a bro he like making up storys that ar so far fetch your cant help but laughs

Stranger: likes*

That whole sentence is such a train wreck that the fact he took the time to go back and correct the verb tense actually makes the whole thing worse, because that means he thought the rest of his response was perfectly acceptable. It would be like if a guy ran into some third-grade class and punched every single student in the face, but apologized to the teacher on the way out for bumping her.

The “Are You Sure This Isn’t Paul Franzen?” Award for Excellence in Shoehorning My Little Pony Into a Discussion for No Reason

If you haven’t noticed, Paul Franzen loves My Little Pony. For some reason. He loves it so much he has gone back in time to change the name of some articles to reflect this, which is perhaps the greatest misuse of time travel ever. Doc Brown makes better use of a time machine than Paul. Thus, when one of the five people who gave me a serious answer spent half of the time talking about ponies, I thought that Paul might have been creeping on Omegle on the off-chance someone on the site was trying to do some work that didn’t involve My Little Pony in some way. What I was not expecting, however, was this:

Stranger: They use the power of friendship to ruin peoples lives.

Is this true? If so, I suddenly understand the popularity of the show.

The “I Believe That Our Education Like Such As In South Africa, and the Iraq, Everywhere Like Such As” Award for Remarkably Terrible Answers

95% of the responses were links to sex websites, so the fact that one of the actual answers I got was dumber than those responses takes a special kind of failure. Thus, I would like to award this special trophy to participant number 4 for his answer of “mayonnaise” as the videogame character he would most like to kill. My guess is that if the first thing you think of when someone asks you a question is mayonnaise, then it will most likely end up killing you before you kill it.

The “GameCola Award For Excellence in the Field of Excellence” For Best Possible Answer

While I got a wide variety of terrible or inappropriate answers, the bright side was that someone did offer the best possible answer to my question. The award for excellence in the field of excellence goes to…

Seriously. Fuck that guy.