This month in Versus Mode we have:
JOEL TANDBERG VS. STUART GIPP
Joel Tandberg is a former GameCola staff member who wrote reviews as well as an opinion column called “The Educated Gamer.” He also co-wrote a column called “The Grass is Always…” with his step-brother Travis Combs, in which they played and talked about a game that one loved and the other hated. This is Joel’s first appearance in Versus Mode.
Stuart Gipp is a former GameCola staff member making his return to the GameCola staff this month. He has written reviews for us as well as “Great Moments in Gaming,” “How to be a Gamer,” and “The Ten GameMandments.” This is his first appearance in Versus Mode.
Joel: Vegetarians don’t concern me. I treat vegetarians like people who don’t drink soda; I am a dedicated Diet Coke drinker, and when I hear people say “I don’t drink soda,” I just shrug my shoulders and say “meh, whatever.” Plus, I consider PETA to be “politically accepted terrorism.”
Now look, I love animals; I have an aquarium that I fuss with all the time and three—yes, three!—dogs. But do I love any of them more than my son or wife? Hell no, and any time you are dealing with people who care more about animals than humans, you’re not dealing with sane people, or at least people I give a shit about. End of story.
Stuart: Ah, but you see, at first I thought PETA were fools.“Cuh!” I denounced, “Vegetarians simply don’t have the strength to strenuously insert the game card into their DS in the first place, let alone lift the thing. However, it is the vision that I am supposed to be examining, not the practicality—and it got me to thinking—why stop at vegetarians?
Why can’t we have a version for people who don’t like vegetables? Why not release a special Christmas or Thanksgiving edition, with turkey and canapés to serve? Come to think of it, let’s have an edition of Cooking Mama that’s entirely pizza-based! I bloody love pizza, me. Also, I’ve just realised that they’re missing a trick by not producing the Al Jolson version, “Cooking Mammy.” Or the cannibals’ version, which retains the name “Cooking Mama” but gives it a unique, more literal spin.
Heck, why stop at cooking? Let’s have the other feminine pastime immortalized in game form. Let’s hear it for “Cleaning Mama.” You use the stylus to wipe cobwebs from the ceiling and dust the tops of door frames. Chicks will go mental for it. It’ll sell ten million. They’ll even overlook the rank, tasteless sexism and tiresome misogyny because it’s Nintendo.
Joel: I don’t have a DS, but then, I’m 27, own a house, and have two cars, and usually if I’m traveling somewhere, I am either driving, sleeping, or reading a book. Personally, I can’t really read a book on a screen. I’ve tried with the e-book stuff on my old Pocket PC and I just don’t think my eyes like it. With as small a screen as the DS has, I’d probably just throw it away. Plus, I’ve taken a few speed reading courses, so I don’t think it could keep up with me. I guess if there’s a market for it people will buy it, but it seems like the DS is kind of ghey anyways.
Stuart: How so? Surely anything that encourages literacy is a good idea. I’ve purchased the collection, and it’s a damn good set. There’s Carroll, Poe, Dickens and Wilde on there, amongst others. Also, it’s only £19.99 over here in the UK. That’s champion.
Joel: This question is kind of stupid (actually, I was hoping all of them would be better, but meh), and it really comes back on Dana White for not having likeness rights built into every fighter’s contract. Dana White is pretty smart, but he’s also a bit of a DB that cries when things don’t go his way. If it’s in their contracts, they should have to be in it. If not, they should get extra money.
Stuart: I don’t know anything about the UFC, but I should expect that most of them would want the endorsement money. Is this some sort of wrestling thing? It’s difficult for me to care. I wish I could sign my image rights away to someone. I can see it now: “Stuart Gipp’s Game Training,” in which a virtual me makes people play Gradius Gaiden until they can beat the boss rush stage without dying. If they don’t, the game somehow gives them a Chinese burn. I’ll leave it to the hardware guys to sort that one out.
Joel: I think the traditional videogame magazine/publisher relationship model is just a lot of ball massaging and leg humping. The “I’ll give you this eight-page spread and a good review if you give me the game one month early” kind of B.S. has really made me not care. I wouldn’t even read EGM if I didn’t get Travis and myself a free subscription for filling out some lame survey. Eidos, it seems to me, is just playing the game as it is. They know that a lot of games get the most purchases the first month they come out, unless they garner a huge following and get a lot of word-of-mouth advertising. I’m sure there are more instances of this than we will ever hear about. Plus, Tomb Raider blows….
Stuart: No. Eidos was responsible for the publishing of Mad Maestro in Western territories, so they have only good in their souls.
Joel: Rock Band is fuggin’ ghey; learn to play an actual instrument and grow up already. That is just one of the few observations of a disenfranchised adult male, but seriously…why do people love these Rock Band/Guitar Hero games so much? I just don’t get it. These are the same people who would laugh at you if you gave them a “Simon” game, even though it’s essentially the same damn thing. YOU ARE MEMORIZING A BUTTON SEQUENCE!!!! These are the same kinds of losers that you remember at the arcade stringing together cheap throw combos with Dahlsim or Balrog in Street Fighter II Turbo. Just the lowest common denominator.
Stuart: Ideally, country music shouldn’t be allowed, period.