[NSFW] Spam Attack: Concerned for Our Spambots

Brain-damaged spam comments that we have actually received on our articles.

With content involving Tags , , , , , , , , ,


I don’t even understand how we receive half the spam comments we get here on GameCola. In order to leave a comment, you—a real human being, or passable facsimile—must go to the trouble of creating an account that only works on this website. That’s like buying a can of spray paint that can only be used to write graffiti on Mr. Hooper’s General Store; it doesn’t make any sense!

I have just been informed by my editor that I have completely misunderstood the extremely simple and registration-free process of leaving comments on GameCola. I apologize—your spray paint is good anywhere, and Mr. Hooper’s General Store is being tended to by a moron today.

At any rate, we get piles of spam. Plenty of the garden-variety shameless plugs and “it’s entirely in Russian so we’re not really sure” comments…but also the kind of spam that indicates the patrons of Mr. Hooper’s General Store are, in fact, also morons. For example, this comment about my “Flash Flood” column covering epic Mario games and Flash animations: “Yes! Finally something about aruba.” DID YOU EVEN READ MY ARTICLE!?

I have become seriously concerned about the people and programs who tell us, “I am no longer certain the place you are getting your information, however great topic. I needs to spend a while finding out much more or understanding more. Thank you for fantastic info I was on the lookout for this information for my mission.” Your mission? What mission?? A MISSION BACK HOME TO THE MOOOOOOOOON PEOPLE??? Because I can only imagine that these spammers come from some other planet or alternate dimension where spam has nothing to do with free advertising and malicious hyperlinks, and everything to do with complimenting total strangers in the most grammatically questionable way possible.

“Good way of telling, and fastidious paragraph to obtain facts about my presentation subject, which i am going to convey in institution of higher education,” writes allsunglassesformen.com on my first “Spam Attack” column. Good gravy; if we have professors like him teaching our young spambots, it’s no wonder “Gamer Girlfriend” gets comments like, “What’s up to every one, as I am really eager of reading this website’s post to be updated daily. It contains fastidious material” from people named Blowjob. No human being uses the word “fastidious” that often.

No human being provides “Within No-Hassle Happy Wheels Suggestions,” either, but that’s what I found on another “Spam Attack” column.

Then you’ve got the likes of Norris, who left the following unsolicited advice on the same article:

Gradually stroke a non- comedogenic, cleaning soap moderate cleanser, carefully using your fingers within an upwards route. Steer clear of cleaning really hard as it could harm your skin layer.

Massage the facial skin wash on the skin approximately a few minutes. This will aid remove all the dirt, pollutants, and bacteria or make up residue from a skin, thus cleansing it extensively.

Though that doesn’t hold a candle to Sayeed, who used GameCola’s triumphant return from hiatus to rebut an argument about former US presidents that I didn’t even start:

Whatever. Carter lacked piltoical acumen. No argument here. But he WAS the only guy, like, ever, to get the Israel Jews and the Egyptians to make a stab at getting along (not in the usual way, I mean). And almost won something on this point. As for “malaise”, it was about on the level of “buy a pair of socks.”Poorly stated but on the money. I know about this sort of thing.Carter was never a delusional hallucinogenic chimp-lover and he wasn’t just a peanut farmer, he was a peanut scientist. On a nuc sub, no less.And he thought it might be nice to try to use his retirement to help build houses for poor people & try his hand, as best he good, at feelance ambassadorship.He’s also been called The Best Ex-President.Not the best president, of course. What, you think I talk to my monkey or something?


I am officially ending this column unless spammer xierdaxinxi can say anything intelligent about Jeff Day’s “That’s So Cliché: Chamberpot Edition” article.

thank you for the information.

telephone computer

I hate you so much, xierdaxinxi.


[“Spam Attack” logo by Colin Greenhalgh. Post tagged as NSFW for excessive use of the word “fastidious.”]

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About the Contributor

Since 2009

Nathaniel Hoover is almost certainly GameCola's most verbose staff member, and arguably the most eclectic. As administrator of the GameCola YouTube channel (GCDotNet), occasional contributor to every article category on the site, and staff editor, you're pretty much stuck with him wherever you go. Sorry.


  1. I’d be interested to know whether a honeypot (such as an invisible password field intentionally left blank) would fix some of this, or whether there are people actually visiting GameCola and taking the time to leave these strange comments.

    Coding Horror has some fantastic articles about spam filter design in case you find that sort of thing interesting.

  2. Wait… those are spam comments? And here I thought my articles just attracted a strange group of people with odd things to say, who mysteriously delete them a day later. There goes my fan base.

  3. Disclaimer:
    The opinions by Nathaniel Hoover do not necessarily reflect those of the staff. GameCola doesn’t support prejudice to Moon People or any other Aliens from any other planet.

    Please, don’t destroy us…

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