Spam Attack: Wine and Freckles

Another completely defined and auspicious writeup from the spam patrol. Seriously, who writes these comments?

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Spam Attack Wine Freckles BannerI give up. Any other website receives spam comments that shamelessly advertise another site or product before linking to it. We at GameCola receive link-free sage advice, truisms, maxims, and mangled gibberish more suitable for my “Impaired Closed Captioning” column from “people” with “names” like espresso coffee makers stove top:

“Actually is you can—”

I’m going to pause here to reiterate that this is actual spam.

“Actually is you can noodle system thorough Many years birthday celebrations considering tremendous long strands signify longevity. That include your could employ coffee machine to obtain ready your main menu. Any time the particular expertise of point out is barely in abbreviation circumstances, be sure you have access to a divide in life in work and consequently engage in, achieve the correct uninterrupted sleep, and have pleasant nutrient intake, afterwards rare shock as well as heightened cortisol are not a predicament. Using this system meal, I like to recommend some kind of Okuzgozu wine beverages (only “ox’s eye” active good blueish black fruit mixture).”

Don’t drink and spam, kids. Especially when your coffee machine was employed to obtain a menu with wine beverages recommended by a noodle system, on a post about epic Mario Flash games, no less. Also, don’t listen to people like prams 3 in 1, who remind us of our civic duty to never let a thesaurus falls into the wrong hands. I assume this comment on my wedding post was perfectly normal until someone decided things like “friends”, “keep up the good work”, and proper spacing would sound inauthentic to a native English speaker:

“What’s up colleagues, its impressive article about tutoringand completely defined, keep it up all the time.”

I have trouble envisioning “what’s up colleagues” ever catching on as a popular salutation. Anyhow, I really don’t see how this all relates to my wedding post, unless the last part was advice for the honeymoon. At least this piece of spam from shoes black and white, appended to the same post, could possibly be construed as relevant:

“It’s impressive that you are getting ideas from this paragraph as well as from our dialogue made here.”

Seriously, it is impressive; I wasn’t expecting to write more than two of these “Spam Attack” posts, but you knuckleheads know how to keep the material coming.

Fellow staff member Mark Freedman alerted me to this one on his “NPCs Say the Darndest Things” article; evidently the computers generating these messages are getting smarter: “As a professional woodworker, I was pleasantly surprised to find that Freedman intelligently discusses everything from the precepts of design and the principles of wood movement to the mechanics of stock preparation.There’s quite a range of nice box projects here.” This was one of the NPCs speaking, no doubt, as they do say the darndest things.

The spambot—who calls himself Christian, though he doesn’t look enough like Detective Gumshoe to be anyone we know—continues: “The author’s use of figured and spalted hardwoods underscores the fact that making small boxes is the perfect opportunity to use those scraps of exotic wood you’ve been saving.” (Mark responds, “Oh, I certainly save scraps of exotic wood to make the frames for my cheap oakleys.”) “Some of the boxes also feature cleverly designed latches and hinges.A couple of quibbles: Although the drawings are very well done, a few of them cont!ain small inaccuracies.” Look, buddy; we’re all ace editors around here, and we’d definitely notice anything that cont!ained an inaccuracy.

Deceased fashion mogul and noted spambot Louis Vuitton himself volunteered this tidbit for my A Very EarthBound Thanksgiving video post:  “In fact, the idea of establishing Louis Vuitton outlet is favored by thousands of Louis Vuitton lovers.” Is that so? Well, as Diagnosing ADHD once said on an early “Flash Flood” post, “You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”

It seems my “Flash Flood” column tends to attract the largest portion of spam I receive. My poor Epic Mario post mentioned above also inspired someone named zaba (Croatia’s answer to the band ABBA, no doubt) to say, “Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It actually used to be a enjoyment account it. Look complicated to far delivered agreeable from you! However, how could we keep up a correspondence?” I don’t see how anyone could keep up a correspondence with you, you word-flinging nonsense monkey.

Occasionally we do come across someone who’s familiar with the purpose of language. I was so pleased to find this friendly note on my Podcasts 44-46 video post; for a moment, I was truly convinced that book of ra kostenlos spielen ohne anmeldung online was a genuine person when he said, “Hey there! I’ve been following your site for some time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Huffman Texas! Just wanted to mention keep up the excellent job!” I’m not sure whether this alleged person had to work up the courage to give us a shout-out because of his name, or because he was from Huffman, TX, but “play free with no registration online” is a suspicious translated German last name for the fabled Egyptian Book of WHY IS THE BOOK OF RA LIVING IN TEXAS!?

To conclude, I’d like to share a profound thought that was left on Michael Gray’s Ender’s (Video) Game post:

“A face without freckles is like a sky without stars….”

You’re so deep, messenger bag.

5 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 105 votes, average: 7.20 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)

About the Contributor

Since 2009

Nathaniel Hoover is almost certainly GameCola's most verbose staff member, and arguably the most eclectic. As administrator of the GameCola YouTube channel (GCDotNet), occasional contributor to every article category on the site, and staff editor, you're pretty much stuck with him wherever you go. Sorry.


  1. Sadly, with the recent site updates, we aren’t getting quite as much spam as in the past! Spam Attack, you will be missed, but you will forever live on in the archive.

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