(Editor’s note: This article was originally posted to GameCola’s main site during our six-month-long hiatus.)
Goodyear Hall, Room 306E
University at Buffalo, Buffalo, NY 14260
November 4, 2009
I miss you all. I really do. This hiatus is as hard on me as it is on you. I wasn’t there for you during the final hours of the magazine format because I was spending the better part of June preparing to wear a frilly gown while crossing a stage, stopping in the middle of the stage to shake the hand of some guy I’ve never met, and receiving a piece of paper proclaiming my emancipation from a horrid jail cell I’d been cooped up in for the past four years. That, and doing battle with the MOOOOOOOOON PEOPLE. And now you’ve been missing out on the joy in your life that comes from reading a rousing edition of “TZRDTSBHDI2020.” And why is that, you ask? The answer is simple: The rest of the staff has no idea what they want to do with the new site. The creative juices just aren’t there.
It’s not their fault, really. I haven’t been there to point them in the right direction, as I have ever since I helped found this website in 2008. I’d hoped that they had learned enough from me to stand on their own two feet; sadly, this is not the case. We originally told you that we planned for an August launch. Well, October has come and gone, and the time for play is over. I’m breaking my silence, GameCola Faithful. I want my platform back. I want my adoring audience back. I want my transgender alcoholic and his wind-up monkey back. And I especially want my anger back. Ever since the site went on hiatus, I have been happy—too happy. It’s sickening how happy I’ve been. I need my rage back, and to get that rage back, I need GameCola’s platform for making my gospel heard to all willing and unwilling ears.
Cover your ears and close your eyes if you’re playing along at home, because it’s time to talk about:
Six Things I Demand to See Implemented in the GameCola Re-launch That May or May Not Happen Before My Death in 2020.
1. A Site Design That is More Up-to-Date Than a Joke That References Failed 2005 Sitcom Listen Up.
Let’s face it: the old GameCola is exactly that—old. When I click a link to a new article, the URL is still the same. I click a link to a new site; the URL is still the same. Geocities is dead, and the fact that our obsolete frames style is still in play is just miserable. You know how hard it is trying to fish around for the URL of an article I need to reference in order to make the joke I made in my own article funnier? IT’S A NIGHTMARE. We need a format that fits with the whole “Web 2.0” thing that’s all the rage these days. It might not make any of the other writers any funnier or more worthwhile to read, but at least when you’re skimming over their articles, because you’d feel sorry for them if you didn’t, you can rest easy knowing that when you come to my articles, the URL will be right there for you to copy/paste into Facebook. Fun for the whole family!
And think of it this way. What filled Listen Up’s time slot when Jason Alexander’s baby was cancelled? How I Met Your Mother. That’s an instant good sign right there. (A shame that show was killed so quickly. Whoever played the daughter was a goddamn fox.)
2. A Closer Bond With Our Community.
Faithful, I want to know everything about you. I want to know what you like about GameCola (besides me), and what you don’t like (besides everyone else). I want to know what you want to see more of (besides me), and what you can do without (like movies about sticky notes). I want to understand my audience the way a fat person understands cake, so that I can deliver an Internet experience that is like no other, sans an epic flame war on the G-FAQs’ boards. (Nothing gets my day started better than an argument over the validity of the H1N1 vaccine on the Super Smash Bros. Brawl Social Board.) Faithful, I simply want to be you.
It is because of this that I demand that we obtain the Social Security number of every single person that visits the new GameCola. When I was a tad younger, going out for my first position in the working world, my dear mother told me to make sure I didn’t let anyone get ahold of my SS number. Otherwise, they could go around pretending to be me. Well, I want to go around pretending to be you, Faithful. There’s nothing wrong with that at all; I’m a trusted person on the Internet! I would never lie to you about anything, so there’s no reason not to trust me on this one. I mean, it’s possible one or two of you may find the police on your doorstep with charges of public urination, or some questions about the murder of my goddamn roommate WHO WON’T STOP SNORING WHEN HE SLEEPS THE FUCKING ASSHOLE, but that’s a sacrifice I’m sure you’re willing to make for the greater good. The more a writer knows his fans, the better his writing becomes, and so, for your entertainment, I shall become you, Faithful. Literally.
3. More Sprite Monkey.
Everyone knows that I’m not without enemies in the GameCola staff. In fact, I’d go as far to say that every member of the staff is a member of my rouges gallery. There is one man on the staff, however, whom will always hold the mantle of being my Joker, or Green Goblin, or Kingpin. And that person just hasn’t been around lately.
That is why I would like to take a moment to extend an olive branch to fellow GameCola writer Sprite Monkey (if that is your real name). The truth is, things just haven’t been the same since you started drifting apart from the rest of us, Pixel Simian. Now you’re the kid that just sits on a rock by the blacktop at recess while we give the local nerd the grand ol’ atomic wedgie, instead of joining in yourself. We may always be bitter rivals, and I will be the one to kill you (mere days before the MOOOOOOOON PEOPLE come to claim my life, but still), but there were always those moments when we worked together for the common good to give that asshole a wedgie. And I miss those moments.
So please, 8-Bit Kong. Come back to us, and stay awhile. I promise I won’t poison your Lipton Sweetened Iced Tea daily anymore. You became too used to it, anyway.
4. The Truth.
It’s amazing how much free time I have in college. Some days I find myself with nothing but my laptop and a handful of episodes of Penn & Teller: Bullshit! illegally streamed from YouTube. Spending days watching the profane, thought-provoking masterpiece this series is made me realize how full of lies we all are when we write. It’s not the lies about the games that we tell, but the lies we are telling about ourselves. (Except for this bullshit; no amount of jail time can make up for the murders I committed when I was finished reading this string of letters that, by some work of dark magic, created the greatest web of LIES ever put to print.)
Therefore, I’d like to simply come clean about myself: My middle name is David. I am terrified by bees, Star Trek, and episodes of Star Trek that feature bees or bee-like aliens. I got lost in a bathroom when I was 12 years old, in my hotel room at the Yacht Club in Walt Disney World. I did not know the difference between boys and girls until I was 7. I wet the bed until I was 10. I have a giantess fetish. I hate Transformers: Rise of the Fallen more than I hate Hitler. I thought the worst part of 9/11 was that my Saturday morning cartoons were preempted with the 24-hour news. My first crush was Phoebe from The Magic School Bus. I’m an extreme liberal. I don’t like chicken. I can recite the lyrics of the entire Backstreet Boys album Black & Blue. I’m currently enrolled in a ballet class, yet I am still straight. My birthday is Halloween, and I was born premature; therefore I was an orange baby on Halloween. I have walked into the girls’ bathroom accidentally on three different occasions in my life. I wish I could live in a McDonald’s PlayPlace. I am a major Paramore fan. I am mentally and emotionally unstable, and have constant delusions of grandeur, discussing most of them on a little known videogame-humor site I force my friends to go to. I’d replace my dick with a 360 controller designed for trivia games. I hate Farmville more than I hate Hitler. I talk too loud in situations where I should be quiet, especially at funerals. I hit on my own male cousin so that I can make his girlfriend jealous (that works too well sometimes). I have to remind myself I’m not racist sometimes. I want to spoon with Adam Sessler. The ghost of a GameFAQs user with horrible grammar likes to take control of my body when a new Sonic game comes out. I like to pretend I’m the main character on my own sitcom. The theme of my life is “Rain King” by Counting Crows. I’m addicted to Loganberry, purchasing Rock Band songs, and popping blackheads on my nose. Ever since hearing it, I need to sing an excerpt of “The Music Meister” from the Batman: The Brave and the Boldmusical episode Mayhem of the Music Meister every day at the top of my lungs. I hate the University at Buffalo bus system more than I hate Hitler. I confuse myself for Stephen Colbert sometimes. I have a whiteboard taped to the inside of my dorm room where people write nice things about me so that I can go to sleep knowing people love me. I’m known to review games while drunk. I’m a whore for attention and will do anything to obtain it. I am going to die in about 10 years by the MOOOOOOOON PEOPLE. I love crossovers and demand aGlee/Heroes crossover that is still canon in both continuities, with the fat black chick getting Sylar’d before the end. I want to punch people in the face when they start talking about Yankees, Red Sox, or baseball in general. I physically abuse my best friend, and make fun of him for being Jewish, even after declaring himself atheist. I want to kill my Editor-in-Chief for turning down said best friend from the GameCola staff because that review was FUCKING FUNNY, PAUL. I believe that the theme to Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego? is the greatest piece of music, EVER. I borrow money and don’t return it for months. I like the smell of my own farts. I hate Hitler more than anything.
Never has there been more truth placed on any webpage in the history of the Internet. Suck it, Wikipedia.
5. Less Michael Gray Singing.
Seriously, bro. If we could take all of the blood that’s come out of everyone’s ears from listening to your wailing, we’d be able to make the Red Sea live up to its name. Let’s say we leave the musical performances to someone who is actually going to make a carrier out of his singing.
6. More. Jonathan. Blow.
And that one is actually coming true. That’s right, kids and kiddies! GameCola is getting a chance to talk with the man behind one of the best titles on Xbox Live Arcade. When/if the re-launch comes, we will have a shiny new GameCola interview with Jonathan Blow in which hot topic questions are addressed, including how much pot he smoked when coming up with the plot of Braid; what his next game, currently titled Unannounced Jonathan Blow Game, will be; and how much money I need to pay him to name his next main character after me.
Hey, maybe an interview with a guy who has his own Wikipedia page will make us notable enough to have a Wikipedia page! We’ve only been around, what, seven years now?
Well, until Blowfest ’09 can beckon forth, we do have some new GameCola goodies available now, courtesy of our blog and YouTube page:
- “Carbonated News,” in which Michael Gray talks about the PS3 price drop, the Wii price drop, and British people.
- A blog post by Nathaniel Hoover about the pros and cons of the new YouTube, and its impact on GC’s YouTube channel.
- A short obit by Nathaniel Hoover for “Captain” Lou Albano.
- A blog post by Paul Franzen about the upcoming Ninja Turtles/Ninja Turtles crossover. What does this have to do with videogames?
- A blog post by Michael Gray justifiably making fun of New Super Mario Bros. Wii‘s awful name.
- The best press release of 2009.
- Full playthrough videos for five Interactive Vision games.
- Michael Gray’s video walkthrough of Nancy Drew: Warnings at Waverly Academy.
- Michael Gray’s video walkthrough of Case 5 of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney.
- Michael Gray’s horrifying Halloween costume.
- Nathaniel Hoover’s terrifying Halloween video.
- “Carbonated News,” in which Michael Gray talks about the DSi XL.
- A blog post by Paul Franzen about Nintendo Power‘s 2010 calendar.
- “Carbonated News,” in which…seriously, Michael Gray? Don’t you ever get any sleep?
- The best new videogame peripheral of 2009.
We also have a few recommendations from fellow GC staff of past articles for you lot to check out:
Nathaniel Hover: My favorite article du jour (that’s French for “duck jousting”) is the “Versus Mode” from issue 4-1, “The Battle of NES Games that Eric and [Paul] Played Last Week.” Many of the early GameCola articles aren’t as funny to me as some of the more recent ones, but this article offers a lot of good laughs from the barbaric times of the single-page issue.
Paul Franzen: I’ve always been partial to this edition of “Digital Championship Wrestling,” in which Radiata Stories hero Jack Russell joined myself and “Captain” Eric Regan to host a battle royal featuring, among other videogame luminaries, ToeJam, Midna, and the Chibi-Robo.
…Actually, now that I type that out, it kind of sounds a little dorky.
Well, that was fun. Just remember that we’re hard at work on a brand new ‘Cola (or, so I’m told), and that it will hopefully be here before I die in 2020. Because, after all, I’m going to die. Don’t the other GC staff members want to honor the wishes of a dying man? I sure hope they do.
I’m dying, after all.
Staff Writer/Columnist/Sex God