This Week in ‘Cola: Hurricane Preparedness Edition

As you may know, GameCola HQ is located right in the middle of what’s known as “The Valley” in southern Connecticut—a small chunk of the state that I guess is between some mountains, or something. I don’t know; I never really looked into it. To put it in layman’s terms, it’s the boring part of Connecticut. (…Which is of course saying something.)

But that’s all going to change this weekend. After a minor earthquake earlier in the week, we here in The Valley (as well as the entire rest of the U.S. east coast) are now getting ready for a goddamn hurricane, because that makes sense, Nature. Now we’re never going to get testgame finished.

To ease all your fears about your poor ol’ Editor-in-Chief and his lovely life companion Lizo, I would like to share with you the intimate details of our hurricane preparedness plan. Look carefully, and if you want, feel free to use any of these ideas for your own. Just so you know—GameCola cares.

We’re planning to spend the entire weekend hiding behind that.

But, upturned coffee tables and hidden robotic operating buddies aren’t what you’re here for! You’re here to learn about all the great GameCola articles you were busy not reading this week, perhaps because you were ransacking your local Stop & Shop for every last jug of spring water. So let’s dig into this. Welcome to videogames.

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News

• Major Nelson accidentally (?) announced via his blog that Sonic CD is getting re-made for consoles—and apparently Sega is relying on its fans to do all the heavy lifting re: building the whole entire game engine. Which makes sense. If I were Sega, I wouldn’t trust myself with the Sonic franchise at all, either.

• It came out that Telltale’s next game, Jurassic Park, isn’t going to be released episodically, but before we could bust out the party hats, a rep from Telltale ruined the fun by saying (in our own comments section, no less!) that “we remain committed to the very successful episodic model and our future releases will be released episodically.” Oh well. At least the new Hector game is out now!

• Serious Sam: Double D is coming to Steam next week…which isn’t something we’d normally report on, except when the news is brought to us by this guy:

• A special guest star named “Frankie” poked his head into the GameCola offices to offer us tidbits about Virtua Fighter 5 and the real cause of the London riots. When was the last time we had a special guest star, anyway?

• GameSpot revealed more information about Quantum Conundrum, the new game from the former lead of Portal. Also, Capcom revealed that you can shoot dildos at people in the new Dead Rising DLC. And now I’m thinking of the different ways you can use both portals and marital aids together; thanks, guys.

• And finally, by far the biggest news of the week was that GameStop did something horrible. (But you could probably copy-and-paste that into any number of “This Week in ‘Cola” columns.)

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Reviews

• Brand-new GameCola staffer Frank Jacobs (no relation to the aforementioned mysterious “Frankie”) tried to find some closure in an old PC game called Operation Body Count, but all he ended up with was a scary blonde guy yelling at him. Thanks, Obama.

• Stu Gipp got everything about the first Hector game completely wrong (but I still love him anyway).

• Jillian Dingwall took us all to school in her review of School 26: Summer of Secrets.

• I gave up all pretenses of creative wordplay by busting out a “took us to school” pun.

• And, Matt Jonas ensured that we could no longer say “What? They made that into a videogame?” anymore by reviewing Little Nicky for the Game Boy Color.

Yep, it’s real!

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Columns, Videos, and Blogs

• I used an article about videogame podcasts as a platform to espouse my theories on the pronunciation of “Mario” (hint: I’M RIGHT AND YOU’RE WRONG).

• The guy who does the voice of the narrator in Bastion proved that the guy who does the voice of the narrator in Bastion is wonderful.

• Stu Gipp took us back to 2006, a time when N-Gage jokes were still hilarious, as was, apparently, being a serial killer.

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Classic ‘Cola of the Week

And speaking of 2006! Back in the mid-aughts, Zack Huffman wrote a review about the NES game The King of Kings, which seems oddly appropriate now, since we’ll all be meeting him soon. (Warning: if you’re a believer in The Good Book, you probably don’t want to click that link.)

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Wow, busy week! If anyone needs me over the next couple of days, I’ll be floating down the river that used to be my street, on a piece of debris that used to be my house. If you’ve enjoyed this and other GameCola offerings, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, check out our YouTube channel and subscribe to our podcast. Happy videogames!