With all the quality reviews, delightful columns, and hard-hitting game journalism you can find here at GameCola, it’s sometimes hard to believe that the site’s written by regular people like you and me, and not a race of evolutionarily advanced superhumans. To help bridge this divide between staff and reader, we’ve set up this column so you can get a look at our staff’s personal opinions on serious issues. Serious issues like the following:
This month, Kate Jay posed the following question to the GameCola staff:
If you could pick any three-character dream team to be in a fighting game, who would you choose and why?
Travis Touchdown, Tifa Lockheart, Cecil Harvey
Well, it obviously depends on what kind of fighting game it is. If my fighters are on a quest to save the world, like in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, then I want successful videogame heroes like Super Mario, Samus Aran, and Putt-Putt the Talking Car. On the other hand, if the fighters are just fighting for fun, like in Super Smash Bros., then I want fun videogame characters like Wreck-It Ralph, Marty McFly and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
Actually, I just remembered that I don’t play fighting games. Uh oh! I don’t want the fighting game to star characters I really like, because otherwise I’d feel like I’m missing out by not playing it. So let’s go with characters I don’t know, like Travis Touchdown, Tifa Lockheart and Cecil Harvey.
Demon Door, Scorpion, Jacob Taylor
One of those talking doors from Fable 2: Because, well, what better defence than a big stone door? During the painstaking research I did for this answer I discovered that they’re actually called Demon Doors. Demon Doors. That’s gangster. There are nine of them in Fable 2. I’ll take the one that likes to eat chickens and I’ll call him Simon. Admittedly, a door doesn’t have much to offer in terms of attack moves. Maybe he could spit chicken bones.
Scorpion from Mortal Kombat: Because he’s a badass. Because he’s an undead ninja spectre for god’s sake! Because he does that cool “Get over here!” thing where he sticks a spear in someone and makes them get over there.
Jacob from Mass Effect 2: Really just to wind Scorpion up. Scorpion will be about to use his special spear move when Jacob will go “Get over here” and levitate a dude. Scorpion will look at him like Jacob just shat in his Rice Krispies. “But that’s my move,”Scorpion will say, his voice cracking. Jacob will smile smugly, and do it again. Scorpion will realise that there are no chains or cables involved in Jacob’s move. We know it’s biotics, but Scorpion will think it’s magic. Floods of tears will pour from his mask. And, as we all know, a tearful undead ninja spectre is the most dangerous of all.
Also, this team becomes ULTIMATE TEAM under three conditions:
1) The battlefield is two dimensional (a door becomes a weaker defence if flanking is a possibility)
2) The other team has no lobbing abilities
3) Jacob and Scorpion have some way of firing shots through the back of Simon’s head and out of his mouth
Mega Man, Roger Wilco, Wagon
My irrepressible fanboyism prohibits me from starting off this list with anyone other than a Mega Man character. Though the Blue Bomber and his pals are no strangers to fighting thanks to Marvel vs. Capcom, Tatsunoko vs. Capcom, The People of Wichita, Kansas vs. Capcom, and every other game in which Mega Man fights someone, I have yet to see an incarnation of Mega Man that unleashes the full fighting game potential of a quarter-century of “Weapon Get” screens. With Metal Blades flying in every direction, his robo-dog Rush on a bombing mission overhead, hornets swarming his foes, Rain Flush melting away his opponents, and Thunder Wool being as useless as ever as he deflects shots with Proto Man’s shield from atop the mighty Sakugarne pogo stick, Mega Man would be a fearsome and unstoppable juggernaut if handled correctly.
Mega Man’s incredible arsenal makes it almost unnecessary to make my next pick a serious one, so I’ll go with a quirky “joke” character: Space Quest’s accident-prone janitor, Roger Wilco. Instead of arming him with a golden mop and having him cycle through his inventory until he figures out whether his opponent is more vulnerable to an athletic supporter or a packet of dehydrated Space Monkeys, Roger’s greatest weakness could become his greatest strength: death sequences. The right button combination could cause Roger to get sucked out an airlock, slam an escape pod into the shuttle bay doors, or get torn to ribbons by a whirling Labion Terror Beast…taking the opposition with him. Genius.
Lastly, I’d want a character that, just by looking at their portrait on the character screen, immediately grabs your attention—Metroid‘s huge and monstrous Ridley, for example, or the Goomba in the boot from Mario 3, Christopher Walken, etc. I think we all know the most obvious pick, though: the wagon from Oregon Trail. Laden with gear from the general store, the momentum of this oxen-driven wagon would be a force to be reckoned with. Angry settlers surviving on meager rations could pop out of the wagon at a moment’s notice to shoot more pounds of enemy flesh than they can carry back with them. And, in co-op mode, the wagon could bring ruin to everyone when Roger Wilco dies of dysentery. That’s a dream team if ever I heard of one.
Link, Dovahkiin, Balthier
Link (Twilight Princess or Ocarina version) because, really, who wouldn’t want Link on their team? He holds his own against all kinds of baddies, saving the world by himself on a pretty consistent basis. Also, the guy really knows how to accessorize. If he came with his full accoutrement of supplies (including five bottles with fairies), he’d pretty much be unstoppable.
Next up would be a maxed out Dovahkiin for similar purposes. Not only would he be a master at pretty much everything, he’d have the Packmule perk, allowing him to carry to battle whatever was needed to wipe the floor clean (not that a maxed out player can’t do that already).
And lastly, since the other two would pretty much tip the scales to the point of cheating, my last spot would be for eyecandy purposes only. So, Balthier, because of the voice and the pants. Not that he couldn’t hold his own in battle with all of the summons he has, but yeah, he’d pretty much be there to stand to the side and snark about the battle.
I’d also like to say that I’d want GLaDOS as the commentator/moderator of the fight, possibly with guest announcer personality cores. I would also want Tidus, Vaan, or any of the FFXIII characters (except Sazh andFang) on the opposing team.
Ogami Itto, Pin*Bot, Maya Angelou
The star of popular manga and my personal favorite series of movies of all time, Lone Wolf and Cub (aka Shogun Assassin), Ogami Itto is my first choice for a fighting game. If the rules are that he has to be from a videogame, then ha! I have you beat—he was in an arcade game called Kozure Ookami, which translates to “Lone Wolf and Cub”…I guess. I don’t know. Now you may see a picture of him from the films and say “A chubby Japanese guy? Could he believably hold his own against some of the biggest names in videogames?” To you, I point out that Ogami Itto has the dubious distinction of having the biggest body count in movie history. More than Rambo. More than Jason Voorhees. More than all the Saw movies combined. 150 kills, and that’s only in the movie Lone Wolf and Cub: White Heaven in Hell, where he utterly destroys a shogunate army with little more than a sword and a baby carriage. So, to answer the question you never actually asked: Yes, he could handle himself just fine, thank you very much.
Bonus assist character: Daigoro (Cub)
Sure, he’s not much when he’s encased in a pinball machine, but that bastard child of Cobra Commander and Voltron would be a force to be reckoned with in any fighting game. He’s made of metal, has lightning hands, appears to be several light years tall based on illustrations depicting him in space dwarfing major planets, and uh…his torso lights up like nobody’s business!
Bonus assist character: Bride of Pin*bot
OK, technically she’s never been in a videogame, but she’s been in MY videogames. It all started with SmackDown 2: Know Your Role for PlayStation 1. Whenever I’m given the opportunity to customize my videogames I always do, so I hopped into Create-a-Character and decided to make the most out-of-place addition to the WWF’s roster I could think of. I eventually decided upon famed African-American poet Maya Angelou, and it stuck. Maya started with humble beginnings, hurricanranaing and mudhole-stomping her enemies into oblivion, and as games became more customizable she got her own entrance and pyro, a conservative dress that says “MAYA” down the side in bold lettering, and was even briefly in a tag-team with Rosa Parks. Thanks to Create-a-Character, over the last 12 years Maya’s beaten the snot out of a Ku Klux Klansman named Dwight Power (it’s not racist because he’s the bad guy), the entire cast of NES’s Pro Wrestling, and my youngest brother, Jace, dressed as a homoerotic cowboy. I can definitely smell what Maya is cooking. (They still say that, right?)
Finishing Move: The Caged Bird (Walls of Jericho)
Harima Kenji, Marion, Agent Chieftain
Harima Kenji (School Rumble)
Starting my ultimate fighting game dream team is Harima Kenji. Although he never studied combat techniques, his fighting skills far outrank those of any black belt. His abilities make him a talented fighter, but he also has many more talents.
Firstly, he can talk to animals. This makes him extremely useful in a battle situation that takes place at a farm, or an old zoo, as he can command the animals to attack his opponent.
Secondly, he is an extremely talented manga artist, and this could be played upon during combat. He could distract the opponent by drawing their caricature, or he could use the magical pen he received from his voyage at sea to draw versions of his classmates who can come to life and help him perform super combos.
Finisher Move: Confessing his love to the wrong person.
Need a witch, obviously. I’m going with Marion from Gunbird. She is capable of flight and can shoot thousands of bullets from seemingly nowhere. Her friend and servant, a talking rabbit, serves as a giant hammer that could be used to whack the opponent over the head. But Marion is also on this team because she has a powerful exploit—any enemies with guns have just lost them.
Marion can turn the opponent’s bullets into candy. This candy can be used to heal herself.
Finisher Move: She uses the magic mirror to transform into the world’s most powerful witch.
Agent Chieftain (Elite Beat Agents)
A well-built, muscular, strong bearded man with long hair, sunglasses and an awesome hat. He dances to covers of popular songs in order to solve people’s problems. On his resume, he has helped a dog return home, saved the Earth from alien invasion, gave a little girl one last opportunity to see her dead father at Christmas, and has gone back in time to help Leonardo da Vinci complete the Mona Lisa.
What would he do in my ideal fighting game? Fight through dancing. He would dance, and his dancing would constitute as attacks. He wouldn’t even need to be close to his opponent. He could just will his own victory by dancing.
Finisher Move: “Jumping Jack Flash” on Hard Rock difficulty
Mega Man, Robo, Rob-64
I choose a team of three elite robots.
1. Mega Man: I’m not talking about the sassy blue bomber from the NES days, or the futuristic “X” from Macolm X. I’m talking about the “Mega Mega” variant from Captain N. Everyone’s been clamoring for Mega Man to be in a Smash Bros., so why not add to Nintendo’s list of disappointments by including the crappiest Mega Man of all time?
2. Robo (Chrono Trigger): This golden bucket of bolts has been through a lot… Originally programmed to kill all humans, he galavanted through time, and then sacrificed himself in the form of the Prometheus circuit for Project Kid. Uzi punch, anyone? He couldn’t use magic, but had magic points… Hmmm, might want to close the loop on that one, Square!
3. Rob-64. Two great warriors certainly need sufficient equipment and energy to exercise their talents and recharge, yes? He’s very good at confirming your location and sending supplies, so you can count on him for that. Plus, he can cover you from the Great Fox. It’s unclear if he knows how to do a barrel roll.
Have a question you’d like answered in a future Q&AmeCola? Ask below in the comments!